NSV - No Small Victory

 I am so terrible with keeping up with blogs or anything of the like. I mostly like to stay in my own little world and just live life happy and secluded. For most, COVID was like a death sentence maybe? Or cause for anxiety, cause of stress and distress? For me, the COVID lockdown was more of the vibe - YES. People will leave me alone, I don't have to interact, I don't even have to get dressed in the morning. 

True, it was also the cause of me gaining a lot of extra weight that I didn't need because I was already morbidly obese, but I was excited to remain in my home and not interact with other people. At least for awhile. I was not happy about COVID. That really sucked. I hated that people were sick, dying, or watching loved ones die. That was not what made me happy, quite the opposite. I was just happy that we didn't have to go outside. That may seem cruel or missing the point or whatever, but I really hate going out into public. I actually have been getting a lot of anxiety when I have to be around people. Usually just large crowds. I was at a social event for work yesterday and I spent the whole time in a corner, anxiety through the roof, just waiting for the opportune moment that I could sneak out and leave.

So, for someone that gets social anxiety, at least around lesser known acquaintances and strangers, it was very nice to be told, Stay Home. I fortunately didn't have to worry about finances because my job put us all on telework. I am extremely sorry and horrified for the people that lost jobs and had to worry about money. 

A lot of it was because I was so heavy. I was disgusting to myself and so defeated and depressed, I didn't want to be present. I literally mean...I didn't want to exist. This is different than being suicidal. I mean there were times the thought did cross my mind, but I'm really not a suicidal type of person. I am more afraid of afterlife consequences than just dealing with life. I can't ever make that step. I just wanted to stop existing. More, hoping lightning would strike me or a bus would run over me. I really did not want to live anymore but I just kept moving forward, until I decided to dedicate myself to changing my life.

Back to the title of this post - NSV or No Small Victory. I am down 85.8 lbs since I started this journey on 4 June 2021. I'm down 3-4 pant sizes, I've lost over 7 inches on my waist. I'm less than 10 pounds from being out of the 'morbidly obese' category and into the 'obese' category. I haven't been under the morbidly obese weight in over 15 years. Before that, I was only just barely into that category and nowhere near where I was when I had my kid (who is 14). The biggest victory is, I actually had a thigh gap today! I've never been able to stand and have space between my thighs - no matter how I stood, legs apart or together and today when my feet were a little further apart of shifted my hips, I actually had space between my legs. I don't ever remember having a time when that happened. At least not in the last 15 years or so.

I'm excited, I'm enjoying life, I'm making a change and bettering myself. Thanks for reading and I hope I can encourage someone else - you can change your life and your circumstances. You are worth it, and you CAN do it.